Do happy couples argue? Is there a thing called fighting fair in relationships?
The fact is all relationships, even healthy ones, will always have conflicts.
Relationship fight is a common part of married life. But things tend to get messy when you are no longer aware of how to fight.
Yes! There is a proper way to fight in a marriage, and this way has to do with being fair. But, before we talk about fighting fair in a relationship, let us try to understand why couples fight in the first place.
Why do couples fight?
Whenever two people with different backgrounds, ideas, emotions, dreams, opinions, and thoughts about life get together, there’s bound to be conflict in one form or another.
Basically, couples can fight about anything, even something very petty. A fight can stem from a simple disagreement on who will do the dishes to who is going to babysit to bigger issues regarding finances, changing career, shifting houses to even more severe issues like sex issues or alcohol addiction, infidelity, and so on.
Basically, just like every relationship, every couple’s fights are unique. What seems to be an issue for one couple might not even bother other couples.
Is it possible to love each other despite conflicts?
Is it normal for couples to fight?
Of course, it is! Fights don’t have to mean you don’t love each other; it’s just a clash of differences unless you want it to be more!
Now, if every relationship has conflict one way or another, what separates healthy from unhealthy relationships at these particular times?
The answer is found in “how” people involved in healthy relationships deal with their conflicts and resolve to continue fighting fair in marriage or close relationships.
How to fight fair in a relationship?
How to get better at fighting? Are there any fair fighting rules for couples?
If you wish to learn the art of fighting fair in a relationship, you need to remember that every disagreement doesn’t have to lead to an argument.
You need to remember that the person you are fighting with is someone you love. So, you shouldn’t overstep your boundaries, use respectful language, and try to make your point.
If at any point you feel that the disagreement is turning into an unhealthy argument, do not insist on talking about the issues then and there. Take a time-out.
You don’t have to sweep the issues under the rug. Constructive arguments are, in fact, healthy for a relationship.
But, there’s always a way and time to talk about distressing or sensitive issues.
10 tips for fighting fair in relationships
Here are listed a few key tips for fighting fair in a relationship.
By following these fair fighting rules for couples, the relationship can continue to grow healthy.
1. Don’t hold grudges
When you are arguing with your spouse, don’t hold onto past mistakes or issues and dig them out just to win the fight.
If there are lingering issues that are bothering you, sort them out when the time is right.
2. Address the issues on time
If your spouse does not want to discuss the matter with you, then set up an appointment with them. Make sure that you discuss the issue in order to have a fair fight.
Keep in mind that it is okay to go to bed angry, you need your sleep in order to fight productively, but you must address the issue. If you do not address it, it will keep building up and eventually explode one way or the other.
3. There are no winners or losers
When you are fighting with your partner, remember that it is just a fight and not a battle that has to be won at any cost.
here are no winners or losers. If you focus on who won or lost, pretty soon, you’ll both end up losers, losing each other. So, argue with your spouse constructively!
4. Say “I’m Sorry” when you’re wrong
These simple words “I’m Sorry” can have an awesome power to make things right again when you use them sincerely.
We often don’t really like to admit that we were wrong because, for some of us, we were taught that mistakes are a sign of failure.
5. Don’t assume things
Everyone has the right to explain and speak for themselves, but we often “jump to conclusions” or assume we know what happened or what they’ll say.
We must be careful to allow our partners to express themselves in ways they feel right, and often ask for an understanding of what they’re actually saying without forming our own ideas and opinions.
Remember, you are not an expert on your partner’s thoughts!
Let them explain themselves. To prevent an argument from escalating into a horrible tsunami, learn the rules for fighting fair.
6. Negotiate a time to talk
There are times when we can pick the worst times to become involved in a conflict with someone.
So, the next commandment for fighting fair is negotiating a conducive time to air your grievances.
We work to negotiate a time to talk simply because if the situation is bothering either of us, chances are it won’t be resolved until we’ve been heard and reached a satisfactory conclusion.
7. Don’t criticize
Remember, in any conflict, you don’t take the position of a winner, loser, or critic. Your role is to attack the problem, not the other person, by criticizing them.
So, how to fight fair in a relationship?
It is best to express exactly how we feel without criticizing the other person for being the fault of our feelings. Nobody likes criticism, even when they are at fault.
Prefer using ‘I’ instead of ‘you,’ which often disarms the other party and brings the problem instead of them into focus.
Now, doing this can require more thought and energy, but if you want a healthy relationship, it shouldn’t be a problem for you.
8. Do not label them
How to fight fair in a marriage?
Even if your partner is temperamental in nature or has a certain habit that irritates you often, avoid labeling them.
Do not give them tags like temperamental, insensitive, or cruel, or callous just to vent out your anger. These labels must definitely be avoided, especially during a nasty argument.
9. Don’t drift away from the topic
Never use a present concern as a reason to deal with everything that bothers you.
Never use stones from the past to throw at your partner in a current disagreement.
If there is something that needs to be said concerning the topic that you’re addressing, this is the right moment to do so. Nothing is worse than a partner who keeps bringing up past issues that I thought were already discussed and settled earlier.
10. Do not discuss the details of your fight with any third person
When fighting, make sure that it remains between you and your spouse only.
Do not involve third parties in between, as the fight will get biased.
Involving kids, mother-in-law, or your prejudiced friends can lead to a very messy outcome.
This Content has originally written by Alissa Zucker and published on July 14, 2021. No Copyright/IPR breach is intended.